Definitions

love:

v. 1 - to feel concern for, to seek the welfare of, to be willing to make sacrifices on behalf of

v. 2 - to enjoy, to find happiness in, to be uplifted by, to be cheered by, to be pleased with

v. 3 - to experience with, to share in or with, to feel alike

n. 1 - a state of being characterizing a mental and emotional attitude of friendship, well-wishing, happiness with, and compassion for someone.

n. 2 - a willingness to give without expectation or rejection of reciprocity

n. 3 - affection

n. 4 - a relationship between two individuals characterized by the above.

n. 5 - a girl with seafoam eyes, red hair, joy in her heart and hope in her soul.

A new man

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day!
Earth's joy grow dim – her glories melt away.
Change and decay in all around I see -
O, thou who changest not – abide with me!
(“Abide with me!” Hymns no. 166, also the concluding quote)

While reading some of my sociological texts, I came across a description of some of the seeming paradoxes of our lives; the need for intimacy in an impersonal world; the trust of unknown strangers in lieu of personal relationships with each of the thousands of individuals who impact our lives. As I was reading, the author identified one of my heart's struggles:

“Our craving for 'deep' and 'wholesome' personal relationships grows in intensity the wider and less penetrable is the network of impersonal dependencies in which we are entangled. ... Everywhere I feel that only a small section of my self is present. I must constantly watch myself not to allow the rest of my self to interfere, as its other aspects are irrelevant and unwelcome in this particular context. And thus nowhere do I truly feel myself; nowhere am I fully at home. All in all, I begin to feel like a collection of the many different roles I play, each one among different people and in a different place. Is there something to connect them? Who am I in the end – the true, real 'I'?” (Bauman, Thinking Sociologically, 99 “Gift and Exchange”).

Bauman was describing the different people we are in the office, in the store, and at a political rally, but I find it describes my personal social movements. I recently told a friend surprised by my behavior that I am “multifaceted;” I ought to have uttered that statement with shame. It is unfortunately true - I act differently around different groups of people. My character varies based on my circumstance. I yearn for wholeness, for oneness, for reconciliation with myself; I long for the integrity I lack.

The Gospel answers Bauman's question. I am a son of God with the potential to become like Him. I wish to Heaven that I lived that answer! That I lived like a son of God in every instant! But I am not yet even a man for all seasons, far less a man for each moment. I saw that in a social event with some friends of mine from my old ward: I could see the history of my relationship with them in their eyes, for good and ill, and I felt myself struggling with the echoes of a man who died in Africa and who I cannot and will not revive.

Africa changed everything. It was a purifying fire. In agony, I prayed more earnestly, and was comforted. The residual and continuing effects of that same Spirit bring me closer to reconciliation. I am reminded somewhat of one of my favorite films, a portion of which I have linked to here. Though I fortunately do not carry the burdens of sexual sin implied in the linked video clip, I feel I too am being led to confront the demons in my soul. The translation is poor, but sufficient for this post, I believe.

Confrontation.


Thankfully – and blessed be the name of my God for it! - I do know that mercy exists through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and that it can be accessed through faith in His power and mercy coupled with sincere repentance.

The Lord promised Saul a new heart. Through the Atonement of Christ, we become a new creature – fitted jointly together, whole. Repentance and and receiving the forgiveness of God brings spiritual healing – again, being made whole. “Behold, He who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I the Lord remember [his sins] no more. By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them” (Doctrine and Covenants 58:42-43).

Repentance includes restitution – attempting to right the wrongs we - I - have done, including emotional injuries inflicted out of carelessness, selfishness, or fear. As a disciple of Christ, or as one who would follow Him, I can no longer start new and simply jettison my past lives. To allow Him to heal my heart, I must do my part and apologize to those I have hurt. I must face my shame and in humility apologize to girls I have led on, dated briefly, given false hope, and then dashed. Again, I do not speak here of egregious sexual transgression, but even so, to find peace, I cannot simply move on. I must work while the sun shines, before the night of darkness comes, to right as best I can the poor decisions I have made. “And we see that death comes upon mankind, yea, the death which has been spoken of by Amulek, which is the temporal death; nevertheless there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God; a time to prepare for that endless state which has been spoken of by us, which is after the resurrection of the dead” (The Book of Mormon, Alma 12:24). Though it is painful, this semester's associations seem to give me a chance to apologize, to repent, and to develop a different nature with the Lord's help.

This perhaps seems melodramatic; having not committed “great” crimes, why agonize? But what I am discussing here is the substance of a soul's relation to another, the expression of love or hate in daily circumstance. Lives are made up of exactly the types of patterns I describe, in the daily relationships and interactions that define who we are and what we stand for – “every, every moment” (Oscar Wilde, Our Town).

I need thy presence every passing hour!
What but thy grace can foil the tempters' power?
Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Thru cloud and sunshine Lord: abide with me!

The sand and the sea

“I am like a huge, rough stone rolling down from a high mountain; and the only polishing I get is when some corner gets rubbed off by coming in contact with something else, striking with accelerated force … Thus I will become a smooth and polished shaft in the quiver of the Almighty.
- Joseph Smith

"Small pieces of glass get caught in the surf, and smoothed and sanded until they are like clear, colored stones. Sea glass, it's called, and apparently it's quite valuable."
-My mother, in a conversation we had while I was in Africa



I guess the trick to life is to take the punishment patiently and with joy. In Africa, and at home as I deal with the consequences and remainders of my journey to Africa, I have been frustrated many times by the inconveniences, disappointments, requirements, and penalties I feel I am experiencing. Today especially has been difficult in that regard; not due to any great injury, but rather to a thousand small cuts.

In these circumstances, frustration at the great, apparent un-necessity of it all clouds judgment, obscures blessings, and gives anger place in the heart.
I have struggled with these feelings for a few days. The disappointment, frustration, and anger I felt in Africa but could not express came tumbling out of me here. Since I didn't resolve my feelings while I was there, I need to here; but I hadn't wrestled with those thoughts yet, and found only anger in myself when I attempted to do so.

Events of the past few days brought these frustrations to a head, until this evening I was fed up with the school, university, and organizations I'm working with. My sister warned me to reframe things positively, rather than run off on a Dutch sailing barque, as I was only half-jokingly considering.

My family, ever a source of comfort and love, again brought me the answer. My mother suggested that I listen to music.

It has taken me almost an hour and a half of listening to inspired musicians playing the most beautiful pieces of music in history, but the clouds have lifted; I have been able to let go of some of my anger, and I have come to a place where I can forgive.

"Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak." - William Congreve, The Mourning Bride (1697), Act. 1 Sc. 1.

"And it came to pass, when the evil spirit ... was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him." - 1 Sam 16:23

It's true.

Farewell to Africa

I write from the cabin of a South African Airlines flight home; our plane just swung over Bermuda as we wing our way back to the United States.

The last week was incredible. I had planned goodbyes, and I made them, thanking the wonderful people for the love and support I have been almost universally shown.

But Africa had a series of goodbyes for me as well. I was surprised and pleased to be asked to pray in a Baptist Youth group; I was humbled and honored as a Baptist pastor prayed for me in my last Sunday morning service, I was shocked and shaken when I passed an accident walking to LDS meetings.

I arrived seconds after the accident happened, in time to see the headless body still lying in the road. He was about my age. But there was no fear – only sadness, shock, and a little nausea. I arrived in the stillness after the accident, in the dazed quiet for those who had been involved. I was not part of that scene, but it shook me.

Three and a half hours later, I attended the baptism of four souls; new life in the Lord. There were three women and one man; he was about my age. There was only joy and peace, excitement.

In one day, in one trip, death and rebirth.

O Africa, continent of my soul! From the starving, smiling children, to the praise and worship in the churches, to the headless body in the street: I love you! I weep for you! I pray for you!

Here I have come to better know my God. He lives, He loves me, and He answers my prayers.

Here, I have been loved and taught to love, by my hostess, by my colleagues, and by my new friends.

Here, I have come to know what I want in my career, in my relationships, in my life. Here I found who I am and want to be.

I was almost not allowed to leave this place of change; I spent Tuesday running through South Africa's Department of Home Affairs, sprinting through airports, and catching flights where I was the last passenger and the plane had waited for me. But I have come through, and am on my way home. I feel I completed my purpose here; it is done.

And so I say: Farewell, Africa! Until we meet again!

Trust God, and Believe in Good Things to Come

My sister sent me an email this week. In one line, she summed up my experience here perfectly: “I know you've had some serious ups and downs, but I'm glad you've had the chance to be there.” This has been one of the most difficult periods of my life; almost everything I thought I knew about who I am and who I am to be has been dismantled, altered, and has been or is being rebuilt in a new and better way. I have shared some of those experiences with you all. Identity is constructed every day, with every decision, but I believe I am through the storm of it now. I see a clear horizon; perfect blue stretching forever over an ocean that will carry me to places more wonderful than I have yet imagined. I feel free. I feel like I've just broken through the surface after being underwater for a very long time, or like I have awoken after a dream of toil. I feel as though I have woken to the company of friends after being ill and unconscious for days. “In the morn, those angel faces smile which I have loved long since, and lost awhile.” ('Lead Kindly Light,” Hymns no. 97)

I saw a movie on Mormon Messages that was exactly right. I can't post the link here – it's posted on my Facebook page – but I can post this link to the text from which the movie is taken, http://bit.ly/9lZUYI The section about the young father is the part that touched me. Based on my experiences here, and on the great love Heavenly Father has shown me in this time, I do believe in good things to come. I am looking forward to this next year, and to the rest of my life. I don't feel anxiety or stress about it anymore. My heart feels free. My soul is at peace; I feel, I believe I can take joy in the journey, in this sojourn on earth. I feel I can trust God and do what He asks me to do. The hymns of Zion (Thank you, Pres. Brenchley! It has been a great blessing to have my MTC choir director as my Stake President at BYU.) have been instrumental (pardon the pun) in this process of change, of repentance, of forming a new view of myself, of God, and of the world. I could not have come through this process without them, and without the truth and Spirit of God they bring.

I realized today as well – my study has blessed me to have a three month period of change filled with good people, people who love God and serve Him. The Lord has put wonderful people in my life here; everyone from my roommate Brandon to the youth I work with in churches: my life for these three months of vulnerability has been filled with good, even wonderful people. “I feel my Savior's love in all the world around me! His Spirit fills my soul...” “For the joy of human love – brother, sister, parent, child; friends on earth and friends above … Lord of all, to Thee we raise this our hymn of grateful praise!” (“I Feel My Savior's Love,” Children's Songbook no. 74; “For the Beauty of the Earth,” Hymns no. 92)




My youth and advisors - Bro. Shawn, and everyone. I love these guys - working ith the young men has been one of the highlights of my time here.

















I was invited to help chaperone/run a young men, young women's conference in Mdantsane. After hearing a lesson about the fortresses Moroni erected around Nephite cities, the youth had an activity where they built symbolic "spiritual fortresses" with marshmallows and spaghetti. It was pretty fun!























Some of the designs were simple; others quite sophisticated.
















Most didn't pass the hymnal test: can the spiritual structure support the weight of a hymnal?






















One or two, however, stood up against two. I guess it just goes to show that... well, actually, I'm having a hard time drawing a lesson from this. Perhaps that it's how we use what we're given, not what we're given, that makes the difference.























Here is Collin, my hostess' brother, giving a speech at his 60th birthday party. Most of the speeches were in Afrikaans, so Brandon and I just kind of smiled and nodded our heads when everyone laughed at jokes. This was a fun party though- despite my lingering cold, I got out and danced on the dance floor. Brandon posted pictures of me dancing with an 80 year old woman, who motioned for me to dance with her. She was amazingly spry, actually.









This was the wharf on the Buffalo River? right outside the venue where Collin's party was held. The lights were very beautiful; a misty rain was falling, producing a wonderful effect I didn't quite capture here. If anyone has technical photographic acumen, please send me some tips on how to capture this type of picture. Or, for that matter, on how to get good shots indoors - my indoor shots invariably come out grainy or blurry.












Here are two of the youth from Amalinda Baptist Church.













And here's the rest of the crew! These guys have all been great - super helpful, friendly, and welcoming. I've loved spending time with them.









Oi - next week is my last post from Africa. See you then!

Firebird

After last week's post, I received concerned feedback from family members and close friends. I was touched by the display of love and concern from many who thought that I was unnecessarily shedding some – most, almost all– of my future plans. I think that, perhaps, a few more words on the subject will be sufficient to alleviate your fears.

Parents, family, friends: I love you, and I have grown more grateful and appreciative of your love as you have written me with your concerns about the recent change of direction I have decided to take in my life. I truly do appreciate your concern.

I had made plans to juggle three full time careers: international travel, extreme mountain climbing, and LDS education. It is possible to do all of these things simultaneously; I had a plan to live and work in Asian nations as a professional education consultant, and it's a viable plan. But when I have prayed about it recently, I feel more and more that that is not what the Lord wants me to do. More importantly, that plan will not help me be what the Lord would have me be.

The primary focus of my life must be my future family. I've felt that before, which is why I gave up music. It's possible to have a family as a professional singer, but it is a very difficult, constrained possibility. Similarly, although it is possible to have a family and do all of the things I previously wanted to do, my previous goals prioritized my welfare over my family's.

Similarly, climbing mountains – climbing Everest, especially – unrighteously risks my life and my ability to fulfill the things I have been called to do. My primary calling in life must be as a husband and father, followed by my occupational calling as an educator establishing LDS schools. Everything else is tertiary, and if the tertiary things conflict with my core goals, they have to be cut away.

And so, I exercise the principle of triage and redefine myself again. This week has been one of rebirth, as I've shed successive layers of constructed identity in the pursuit of a new and better one. I may no longer even live outside of the United States; although I would still like to live and work in China (and the rumored six figure income directly out of grad school wouldn't hurt either), I understand that I may not be blessed with that opportunity. Even if I am blessed with that opportunity, I understand I may be called to go another way (Alma 22:4).

In this time of meditation and renewal, I have refocused on my original goal of establishing an LDS school system. Since I no longer have other goals in my mind, I have found a lot more energy and fire as I've considered LDS schools. I've gone back over my original notes on the subject, and rediscovered a pure and holy fire that I haven't felt concerning my future for a long time. I feel I've shed a great weight, and that I'm being lifted again on the underlying currents to something much higher.

And I've shed precious time. I'm going to graduate in two semesters, I believe, two semesters and a Spring term if I'm unlucky or unpersuasive. My new major gives me a far greater breadth of options in the education field; international relations supports only international and comparative development education; sociology supports that field, and each of the other education majors in grad school. I want to work in the field of education; sociology gets priority.

Similarly, I gain precious time. One year allows me a year of practical experience in education before I get a doctorate, or makes Teach for America plausible, or other opportunities. If I can get the same benefits at a cost one year less expensive, again sociology gets priority.

But regardless of all the rest, I feel better and happier about my new course of life. I can honestly say that my previous plans weren't making me happy. I think these new ones will.

Much of my personal image, my definition of myself, was wrapped up in travel and international change. The decisions and prayers of the past week have stripped much of that away, and so I am re-orienting myself according to my new paradigm. I ask for your understanding and continued love as I redefine myself.

But know this: my old paradigm was removed. “When I became a man, I put away childish things.” (1 Cor 12:11) And though I still see through a glass darkly, I couldn't go back now if I tried. My metamorphosis has already progressed past that point; were I to return to International Relations now, it would not be the same as before. To large degree, the young man from before died, and his successor is different. Better, but different.

Someone counseled me to rely on the Lord in this, concerned that I wasn't doing so in making this decision. This decision has been to rely upon the Lord and His promises concerning my future happiness. This decision was to cross the Rubikon, and to march forth; or rather, to sail forth in an unknown course, in search of a destination I do not see, for a far country that lies beyond the horizon. But I believe in revelation and the Lord's promises. He knows where He is sending me, and I know that this is the right way for me to go. My new life is not as glamorous or exciting or dangerous as my old one; but it is a better life, one filled with more happiness. I'm looking forward to it.

And so, I go forward.

A Change of Plans

James 1:5 – If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.

2 Nephi 32:5 – For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.

A good friend and mentor of mine talked with me recently about my future. We discussed my plans to travel for the rest of my life, working with foreign governments to set up schools, and climbing mountains in my spare time. He rightfully brought up that my plans were excellent for a young, single man, but that when I had a family, things would become much more difficult. He suggested I consider an American alternative plan, as a back-up, in case I wanted to return to the States, and recommended majoring in Sociology instead of International Relations. I returned that I was confident of my plan, had felt like it was what the Lord wanted me to do, and that was that. My friend urged me to reconsider, to spend more time in prayer, and to think about my future family's welfare. I agreed, and prayed again, but felt, still, confidence in what I was doing.

However, in the period of discussing with my friend and asserting confidence, I was also in deep trouble. I didn't feel close to the Lord, I felt unsure of what He wanted me to do, and I felt confused and frustrated in many of my activities. During this time, also, my scripture study had decreased to a bare minimum, mostly in order to say to myself that I had done something; I had allowed my studies and my social life to take priority over other, more important things. This was a dark period.

Coming here to Africa was a humbling experience. As I have described in earlier posts, and in the Field Study blog posts, I struggled adjusting to a new culture, to a new set of rules, to the workload, and to the people around me. This process literally brought me to my knees. In retrospect, the things I was going through seem small and manageable, but at the time they were remarkable obstacles that I despaired of overcoming. Somewhat broken, I learned in prayer that I am not to travel forever, and that I indeed need an American plan. I assumed I would simply pursue a different graduate degree program, and carried on.

As I have written more and considered more than I have taken time to do since serving a mission, a whole series of small course changes have come. Like a rolling stone gaining momentum, these have become more frequent and have had greater impact as I have followed them. The promptings have led me to study the scriptures and General Conference, (www.lds.org Look in Gospel Library,General Conference) more intensely, to pray more sincerely, and to be more honest with myself and the Lord. I feel that for the past year or more, “I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear; therefore, I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know; therefore, I went on rebelling against God in the wickedness of my heart until the fourth (in my case, fourteenth) day of this seventh month, which is in the tenth year...” (Alma 10:6). I have been taught and reminded concerning certain things I have felt prompted to do, and not to do. As I have accepted and acted on the initial promptings, additional promptings have come.

And so, I have had a change of plans. Rather than risk my life and my future family's husband and father for personal accomplishment, I won't climb the Seven Summits. Similarly, though I may live abroad at some point, I will prepare for a career in the United States for the sake of my future wife and family. And, at last, I have also decided that I will change my major to sociology and pursue the opportunities attendant to that degree.

My plans now are to work very hard to graduate in the next thirteen months. I am confident that with the help of the Sociology secretary – who I pray will be merciful in transferring my work from IR into sociology (thereby waiving some of the courses I need to take), I can finish the sociology major in two semesters and a summer. After graduation, I will pursue Teach For America, and earn a Master's degree while involved with the program. From there, I will have theoretical, practical, and publication experience sufficient to pursue a doctoral degree. In this way, I should be finished with my education in the next six years, allowing me to begin a career fully just before my twenty-eighth birthday. From there, I will work in China, or elsewhere as the opportunity to establish LDS schools presents itself.

At each stage of planning, at each stage of revelation, the plans have evolved. The history of what I have felt is right for my life is a series of discreet plans, each better than the last. Interestingly, I prayed about a plan for my life just a few weeks ago, and felt like the Lord accepted it as a plan. The fact that it has since changed is rather immaterial; the first was given by revelation – or accepted by revelation, and I feel that my new one is as well. I anticipate that there will be changes in the future, but until the Lord reveals them to me, I will pursue the path I have with all my heart.

One great lesson from this summer is that Lord really does give guidance specific and accurate for where we are at that moment, and then leads us forward to become whom he wants us to be. When we go in the wrong direction, if we seek Him and are seeking Him, He leads us back in the way we should go. As we go forward, he steers us in the way we need to go at that time. That process of revelation causes changes in us, leads us to learn and grow and become whom He would have us be. If the Lord had simply commanded me to study sociology originally, I would not have learned the important lessons or made the important friendships that I did in Kansas City as a vocal performance major. My testimony of the Gospel would probably not have been strengthened as it was by the experiences I had in Kansas City. At BYU, I would not have taken Econ 110, which let me study under one of grandfather's few remaining colleagues in the last year before that colleague retired. That professor helped me wrench open my mind to the scientific study of human behavior at the collective level. From that class, I learned to seek evidence of the truth of the Gospel in the aggregate behavior of individuals, and to see “angels in the architecture” of society (“You can call me Al,” Paul Simon. Negotiations and Love Songs). I wouldn't have taken the introductory courses in political science or geography, or the research methods courses in political science and anthropology which have so blessed my life, pried open my understanding, and opened my eyes to a more brilliant sunlight of inquiry, knowledge, and truth.

Therefore, I don't regret the two and a half years I've spent studying in other fields; the Lord has blessed me through it. And I don't resist this course correction; I know He will bless me in this change of plan as well.

“Thus saith the Lord, thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I am the Lord thy God which teacheth thee to profit, which leadeth thee by the way that thou shouldst go.” (Isa. 48:17)

“And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. ...“ (D&C 78:18)

A really cool door, somewhere near my home. This house is slightly unusual in that it doesn't havea wall or fence, or razor wire around it. These are the "Big 5" that safari seekers come to Africa to see.













Over the past two weeks, I've watched an apparentky homeless family rake away grass, burn the ground, and then hoe in lines across this patch of former brush. I assume they're going to grow something there. This is across the road, maybe two hundred yards from our house. Interestingly, as I stopped to take a picture, someone walking by said, "This isn't the safest place to do that, you know." We live next to a cemetery where a lot of squatters sleep (it's about three houses down from us.) Sometimes I forget how much poverty exists in this country; I don't think these people would be clearing this field if they had a better option.









Prayer cards, containing prayer requests from the youth of Amalinda Baptist Church.























I'm not entirely sure why I took this picture - I think it was to point out the big cloud front that had just rolled over us.
Sadly, I forgot my camera on the YSA Sports day, so I don't have pictures from that. Just imagine all the YSAs from East London holding up a first place trophy instead of this picture.












And here is me today. I wrote the post yesterday while I was healthy; today I'm running a fever. Brandon thought I looked pretty funny and snapped a pic, and then got one with my camera as well.